Save My Ass: A Satirical Response to "Save Arm".

ARM is being sold to Nvidia. Help me get my cut.

Co-Sign a piece of political propaganda from Ligma Balls, cofounder of ARM, to Some Important Political Person.

Dear Some Important Political Person,

As one of the founders of ARM, I am extremely concerned about the proposed sale of ARM to Nvidia. This concern is shared by many of my colleagues in Cambridge, the U.K. financial sphere, and everyone else who benefitted from ARM's sale to SoftBank and aren't getting a cut this time around.

Firstly, we are going to fear monger about jobs being lost, even though Nvidia promised not to change the location of ARM's headquarters. We have no concrete proof that this is going to happen, so we’re going to bring up an example that proves our point, while using rumors as our primary source for the remainder of the document.

Hot Tip: Mentioning thousands of jobs lost should get Some Important Political Person to quiver in his boots!

Secondly, the sale of ARM to Nvidia will mean that we won't get a cut, so we have to amplify fairly minor but understandable concerns about licensing issues, while also completely ignoring Nvidia’s statements to the contrary. Also something something "UK".

Thirdly, we have to appease the Brexit crowd somehow:

ARM is the only remaining UK tech company with a dominant position in mobile phone processors. Please consider its market share while completely ignoring that SoftBank, a Japanese company, owns 100% of ARM Holdings. America is evil, Orange Man bad, and if you allow ARM to be bought out by Nvidia, this will allow ARM to be used as a bargaining chip by Orange Man.

A sale to Nvidia will mean that ARM becomes subject to the US OFAC regulations. This is simply unacceptable, as every company should have the legal right to sell their technology to brutal, murderous dictatorships. There are hundreds of UK companies that use ARM designs, and some of them even ship their products to China. Even though the UK will probably blindly follow US sanctions anyways, and China isn’t subject to any OFAC sanctions yet, we’re going to assert China’s influence in the global tech market, while fear mongering about jobs again.

This puts ARM in the position where both the UK and the US can make a decision as to what countries ARM can do business in. Only my capital venture firm should have a say where ARM sells their designs, not Orange Man!

Sovereignty used to be mainly a geographic issue, but now I'm using it to scare politicians into doing what I want. Surrendering UK’s “most powerful trade weapon” (not the UK’s various financial institutions, massive consumer base, or the other 90% of the economy, but a hardware design company that is wholly owned by the Japanese) to the US is making Britain a US vassal state. Of course, this is just political fear mongering, designed to make even the most milquetoast Brexiteer panic. America bad, guys, now go campaign for my venture capital firm!

There are three conditions that are imperative for this deal to make my capital venture firm money.

They all have to be legally binding or they are useless:

  1. Legally binding job guarantees for Arm employees in the UK (which, to be fair, is an understandable concern, and something that Nvidia is going to address after the sale goes through.)
  2. Legally binding agreement that Nvidia must not gain any preferential treatment over other Arm licensees. (which means God Knows What!)
  3. Britain must get an exemption from the US OFAC regulation so that UK companies are guaranteed unfettered access to our own microprocessor technology. (Read Author's note at the end for your dose of satire.)

The natural alternative is putting ARM onto the London Stock Exchange, so my tech venture firm can legally invest in ARM. I also shame you, the Important Political Person who I do not dare name, for buying out OneWeb instead of ARM. Obviously, OneWeb isn't important to the economy of my capital venture firm as ARM is. I urge you to list ARM on the LSE, this fatal mistake of my firm not earning any money cannot happen again.

If you do not make ARM a British owned company, absolutely nothing will change. My tech venture firm won't be able to make millions off the success of ARM, and I will be very sad. So please, listen to public pressure and the dubious claims made in this document, my economic liquidity depends on it!

Yours insincerely,

Dr Ligma Balls, Capitalist Pig Supreme.


Author’s note: This piece is a satirical rewrite of Dr Hermann Hauser’s original open letter to the Prime Minister of the UK. Upon reading the original open letter, I instantly thought that something was amiss. It's completely illogical for the co-founder of ARM to completely ignore the fact that his company doesn’t actually belong to a UK tech company, but to a Japanese tech conglomerate. This piece was originally meant to make fun of the author for supposedly being angry that he didn’t get a cut from this sale like he might have done with ARM’s initial sale to SoftBank. Upon reading point 3 of his legal demands (Britain must be added to the OFAC exception list…), his intentions suddenly became clear:

Dr Hermann is the co-founder of a UK venture capital firm, Amadeus Capital Partners. They would gain a lot from listing ARM on the LSE and/or exempting Britain from the OFAC regulation list. This would allow them to invest in China and other states that the US has backed out of, which is an economically wise move.

At the end of the day, his open letter wasn't about the state of the U.K. tech industry, but about money. Allegedly. Please don't sue me.